... because of something i does not have ... anymore, and might not get either. I miss my mom so much, and mostly spend my days thinking about her. About our farm, about my horse, about our relationship ... That's all I do. I miss her so much, but still I have to live with the fact that she hit for 7 years, and mistreated my trust for her. But still, I was the only one who were loyal to here. When men left her, when friends and family turned their back on her, I was there. Still she did this to me.
I know so well that I should not complain, I mean I have a great education in front of me, friends in school, a horse, my dog... But still there is a huge hole inside of me that I can't fill. A memory laid on my back pushing me gently down to my knees, and I'm begging it to stop cause I can't hardly take it. But I know i shall not commit suicide, I've been down that road before. Yes, I can talk about it. But it's not the first thing I tell a person "Hey, I almost killed myself once or twice!" so don't you dear get me wrong. I usably know what to do with myself, whit the anxiety I feel. And I know that my life is not to waste, because I know to many people who would be sad, that do actually love me. They can't understand my jealousy while they talking about their moms. I'm so jealous that I could turn green and cry my eyes out. Like one of my better friends in school, Emelie (love u btw), she told me that she and her mom was going out for a "girls only night" (mother and doughtier night) and grab a cup of tea at a café and watch a movie at the cinema. I was so jealous I could melt down at that very spot at that very moment.
But trust my words when I say that people who pretends that nothing has happened is even worse. Don't you get that I not stupid, I understand perfectly what you mean when you tries to not talk to me about it, or accidentally bring it up. For christ sake, don't treat me as a child! My teacher did it wile I told him about what my mom had done to me, he was one of the first I ever told. Yes it is uncomfortable as hell, I get it. But try not to treat me as I'm an idiot. I won't break if you hug me. I won't break if you touch me. You won't break if you asked me how I feel when it is obvious that I'm not ok.
'Cause actually, that's what my mom did. Even thougt she didn't see me all the time, she tried the good as she can. Because she was mentally sick, and you sane people does not even see me. I think that tells us more about the world more than everything.
I've seen so much in my life, even thought I'm not that old. I've seen life been giving and life been taken. I've seen a lot of evil, and also some good. The evil is made by us humans. And, we can not help it I'm afraid. But we surely help each other out to make this a beautiful place to live in. Just give a smile to an unknown person you see at the bus stop, at the mall, on the street ... may help. Smiles is a quick spreading virus you know.
I just want to say that I love all the people who knows I do, who I tell; I love you. Even thought you don't know me fully or understands me. Always carry it with you, as well as I carry you with me.
Good night,
Give Peace A Chance!
Smile,
xoxo
//Ida
